Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
