Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
