No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
