Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
