my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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