my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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