Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
