My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
