I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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