i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
