He called his prostate his "boner button".
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
