I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
