just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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