i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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