We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The power of my boobs compel you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
