Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
