Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
