I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
