i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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