my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
