we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
