I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
