I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
