I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize