I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
