He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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