Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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