I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize