Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
