i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
