Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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