I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We have started to decorate penises.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
