Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
