I wanna bring you to show and tell
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
