So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
