ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
