it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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