I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
