just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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