True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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