i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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