hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
