i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
