I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize