Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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