mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
