Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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