I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
