U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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