woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
