So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
A bitchslap is in order.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
