When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize