Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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