You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
