It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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